How to Talk to Your Partner About Debt

Money is one of the hardest things for couples to talk about, and debt can be the hardest part. Maybe you’re carrying debt your partner doesn’t know about. Maybe you’re worried about theirs. Either way, an honest conversation, done well, can take a lot of weight off both of you.

Before the conversation

Get your own numbers together

Make a simple list of every debt: who it’s owed to, the balance, the interest rate, the minimum payment and whether you’re current. Pull your free credit reports at AnnualCreditReport.com, available weekly according to the FTC, so nothing is missing. Our guide on how to read your credit report can help.

Pick the right moment

Choose a calm time with no distractions: not right after a bill arrives, not late at night, not during an argument. Let your partner know ahead of time: “I’d like to talk about our money this weekend. Can we set aside an hour?”

Starting the conversation

Lead with your intention, not the numbers:

• “I want us to be on the same page about money, and there’s something I need to share.”
• “I’ve been stressed about our finances and I’d like us to make a plan together.”

If you’re sharing debt your partner didn’t know about, be direct and take responsibility: “I have more credit card debt than I’ve told you. I’m sorry I didn’t say something sooner. Here’s the full picture, and here’s what I want to do about it.”

During the conversation

• Share the whole picture. Partial honesty usually leads to a second, harder conversation later.
• Listen. Your partner may feel surprised, hurt or worried. Let them say so.
• Avoid blame. Debt usually has many causes: job changes, medical bills, emergencies, habits. Focus on what you’ll do next.
• Talk about money backgrounds. How each of you grew up with money often explains a lot about how you handle it now.
• Take a break if needed. It’s fine to stop and pick up again another day.

Making a plan together

1. List all debts in one place, with rates and minimums.
2. Build a shared budget. The 50/30/20 budget is a simple starting point, or a bare-bones budget if money is very tight.
3. Choose a payoff method. The debt avalanche or snowball both work; pick the one you’ll both stick with.
4. Build a small emergency fund so surprises don’t create new debt. See how to build an emergency fund while you’re in debt.
5. Agree on spending rules, such as checking with each other before purchases over a set amount.
6. Set a regular money check-in, for example 20 minutes once a month.

Yours, mine or ours?

Who’s responsible for a debt depends on whose name is on it and on your state’s laws. Generally, you’re responsible for accounts in your name, and both of you are responsible for joint accounts and accounts you co-signed. Being an authorized user on someone else’s card usually doesn’t make you responsible for the debt. Some states have community property rules for married couples that can change this. If you’re unsure, a legal aid office or attorney can explain your state’s rules.

Protecting both of you

• Avoid adding new joint debt until you have a plan.
• Be careful about co-signing. If the other person doesn’t pay, you’re on the hook.
• Keep each other informed about collection calls, letters or lawsuits. Read your rights when a debt collector calls.

Getting outside help

A nonprofit credit counselor through the NFCC can meet with both of you, review your budget and suggest options like a debt management plan. A neutral third party can make the conversation easier. If money conflicts are straining your relationship, a couples counselor may also help.

The bottom line

Talking about debt is uncomfortable, but keeping it secret usually makes things harder. Prepare your numbers, pick a calm moment, share the full picture without blame, and build a plan together.

Sources: FTC: free credit reports · NFCC